We do this so thoroughly that we then have to figure out how to re-train them so this doesnt put them at greater risk in the presence of predators, and we dont do that re-training thoroughly enough. Them We need to have lunch soon One evening he bragged that he never outright asked anyone to do anything for him. It seems to me to have grown somehow out of how do you do, to which the appropriate response was, of course, how do you do. (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. as much as it is practicing not giving into pressure to give an explanation of your schedule OR an immediate answer. I can vouch for this strategy! Usually people have to give me a straight answer after that. I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be doing this weekend a long time ago, I would have said the NFL Combine. Updog. In fact this letter reminds me a lot of a lady I knew once who moved to the US from a different english-speaking country and took offense to people asking her where she was from when they heard her accent. Personally, Id recommend not babysitting at all for six months to allow cousin the time to get used to the idea that LW is not cousins handmaiden, then seeing if LW can re-engage with the cousin in a mutually respectful manner. Then, actually do check your calendar, check in with yourself if you actually want to do whatever it is, and answer the person when its convenient for you. Her dad would not agree with a move to force her to move out. And just because my plans dont include hanging out with anyone or leaving my home, it doesnt mean that I am free or willing to cancel them. I mountain bike every weekend! I have some friends who are really passive about planning things and it drives me insane I have started actively responding what did you have in mind? and batting back all their attempts to make me plan the night. not? Have a Happy . Its really cool to see how other people approach this stuff and I liked learning from your comment! People ask this to fill the time while standing at the break room microwave, not bc they want to trap you into revealing state secrets and hardcore kinks. I use this regularly, as does most of my social group. Mother likes to trap me. Ask back? And my mom thought I was like the most studious kid ever, because I knew that if I ever looked like I had free time, she would fill it with chores, so I always had some kind of project to work on (I did have the grades to back this up or it wouldnt have worked). (this one may not be my wheelhouse anyway, no translation needed. ? I had a boss once who sometimes wanted to know if I could work overtime on the weekend, but sometimes wanted to know if there was quirky events on that her daughter might be interested in. *I have some sympathy for her, in that Ive seen how this is gendered in our culture, of women being trained not to ask for what they want/need (possibly more than in western cultures? For acquaintances, the way you do in Sweden will also work in the US. I am definitely not math or sciencey, just like my me time, so that wouldnt have occurred to me. My nos are not because I dont like you! Of course I only say that to the people I like lol. I expect either Oh were going to see New Movie/having a picnic/running errands or I dunno, usually followed by how about you? Its a low pressure small talk question, most of the time. The asker might want the invitee to give some input on what theyd like to do, but thats not the same as expecting them to do all the planning. They may just be an indirect communicator, and Hey, want to go have dinner might feel too abrupt without any conversational preamble. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course, and definitely use the Captains scripts and bat the ball back across the net with I dont know, how about you? But I wonder if it would help to make these interactions less frustrating for you if you tried not to think of them as someone trying to get something from you that you dont want to give. Busy busy busy! Instead, choose from these five replies. I wish the day also comes with a lot of fun and blessing for you. I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal. 1. I kind of like your signature line as a response! It feels like they expect me to put in the majority of the effort, and it would be nice if once in a while instead of saying I dont see you enough they would say Would you be up for meeting up at the coffee shop on my town on Saturday if [their issues] allow? But its not something thats going to change, so I smile and nod at their noises and continue to plan things with them at exactly the rate I feel like doing so (including making extra effort if theyre going through a really tough thing). Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. Probably just working on some homework. He said, Oh yeah? and just went on, no indication that he was asking for any reason other than general curiosity. If you both talk about what to do in the garden (I know you probably dont own one, its an example), is it a conversation like I want to plant radishes Well, I want to plant flowers Fine, then we plant one half with flowers of your choice and one half with radishes and everyone waters everything? I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! There are some funny responses to "what are you going to do with your life" for when your family keeps asking you the same dull questions. I dont understand the point of the question. Sometimes my kids and I need that to be family time, so were going to block that out going forward., one of those people who force you to be blunt., Indeed, do say to her: Im going to ask you guys to walk to school on your own; trying to coordinate with your family is simply too much stress for us. Try these OOO messages to let people know you're taking a break. But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. So if theyre just chatting youve invited them to talk about their own weekend, and if they are in fact leading up to an invitation, then youve been vague about whether nothing interesting means lots of chores, or free time. Oh thanks capn for the hilarious answers!!! Theres nothing bad with setting them and enforcing them, and if youre dealing with people who cant respect them, the question itself is not the biggest problem in the relationship. My introvert self doesnt like last-minute extroverting.). I like your point that it does actually give people the outyouve put it in their minds that they can say Im busy., Its what I dothough I often try to say the thing first (Want to go to a movie? What are you up to this weekend? is an absolutely normal question and learning to use it is not a failure of yourself. 4) "When asked what I did over the weekend, I reply, 'Why, what did you hear?'" 5) And it's weekend memes baby!!! TootsNYC, why do you feel entitled to some of her time because shes a member of your family? If youre female and you answer, and then he decides your time sounds like it should be at his disposal and asks for a date, and you dont want to go, now youre stuck in that ugly probabilistic space where various sorts of threats, anger, and violence may be coming at you. During this age of social media people get bombarded with Facebook invitations so much that they might very well ignore an invitation they usually would be interested in by accident (this has happened to me quite often; people would reach to me after the event and tell that they are really sad that they missed it). (If they meant the invitation) Them : OH! COME TO LOOSE PLAN HANGOUT THING THAT IM INVOLVED IN OR ELSE YOU MIGHT SHRIVEL AND DIE! and they had the best intentions. What to Say: "Thank you, I had a great weekend.". I can see where laundry might be a perfectly good excuse NOT to go with your aunt to somewhere you dont want to go. It never occurred to me to take this question literally. Youll all be healthier and live longer if they learn some manners in how they treat you. No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. I also come from an area that tends to do a lot more indirect communication than I think many parts of the US, though, and tend to prefer a softer communication style unless someones being either rude or unaware enough to force me into being blunt. The people who are asking what are you doing this weekend? before making a request are taking away the LWs easy out that is, by getting LW to admit that he/she/they are free, the option to refuse with Oh, sorry, I have plans already is no longer there. Them (if it was small talk) *moves on to a different topic* Improve your attitude toward your family." - Bo Bennett 4. Its mostly me trying to figure out a friends general level of free time and not impose if theyre busy or dealing with a crisis. Oh you want to invite me to happy hour [with a bunch of colleagues I hate when theyre sober let alone when theyre drunk]? Yes, this. Why not? But I think its disingenuous? ! OH ME TOO. Born and bred in southern California, how are you? asked of/by a stranger functions, for me, like any scripted greeting, pretty comparable to an all right with or without the interrogative in that a detailed (or even particularly honest) response is not expected and in many cases wont be acknowledged because it wont be heard (because no one is listening for it). Wake up late Sunday morning and go ride or play in the mud. Are you willing? or, if Im feeling that Im entitled to demand it, Ill say, are you available? (example: Im not going to react well if you want to play Minecraft instead of helping me wrap the favors for grandpas birthday dinner; if youre getting together with friends, online or IRL, or doing homework, OK). My blood pressure. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. For people Im close enough to be snarky with Its depends Are you asking for fun or work?, I like this, but Id go maximum snark and phrase it as, Is this about business or pleasure?, I say Ill have to check. Its just a formulaic greeting. If you're worried your co-workers or boss will assume you need more to do if you don't talk about your heavy workload, go for this response. Mentioning your actual plans is one. I grew up in the Guessiest Guess household ever my mother once quit a job because they said they liked her work so much that theyd like her to do more shifts, and she was angry at being put in the position of having to say no so I didnt come out of childhood equipped with much of a toolbox for saying no assertively. I get a bit awkward when people ask me that question too, because of the whole half-agreeing to plans before theyre actually exposed (I never considered it nosy personally but I can see how it might come across that way). You can say "because you're too hideous" or "because you're too old." Here's the most obvious answer that no one can argue with. Take care of your boundaries! What are you doing this weekend? Yeah, I definitely use this question as way to be polite. I do have friends who have trouble planning things for various reasons and often say things like I miss you or We should hang out more without doing anything to make it happen. Interesting. It can often be an explain why youre a POC kind of thing in many countries with white majorities, and seen as a whole (its a super widespread phenomenon) it shows how far away our societies are from truly accepting themselves are diverse. Because Im white, I fortunately have the privilege of knowing that 9 times out of 10 its just genuine curiosity and an attempt at polite small talk (theres always the 1 thats still xenophobic, though, like the cashier who blurted out when are you leaving, then? or the psychiatrist who refused me medical treatment because I should be going back to my home country soon anywayIm married and staying here, sorry to disappoint). You have actually internalized a very common social rule. I have done that just doing errands/washing the car/housekeeping/taxes/library/walking the dog you? and still gotten a but are you doing anything FUN follow-up question(s). I think lots of people, especially women, are socialized to think that confidence is impolite, so they try to sound unassertive. is how this has been explained to me, and it makes perfect sense. You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun 21. Its essentially part of, or an alternative to, hello. This is such a common question, and I have a memory like a sieve, and once or twice replied Nothing much and accepted invitations which ended up double booking myself. The first time I posted a little comment showed up saying that my comment was pending mod review since it was my first comment but I dont see one of those now. I should have specified that this particular woman was white, of a european background, and when she elaborated it was pretty clear that she was getting the I am genuinely curious about you variety of the question and not the You arent REALLY one of us implication. I think feeling unsafe crosses the line where a relationship cant be repaired. But yeah. Depending on the purpose of the encounter, that might mark the end of the interaction or serve as an agreed-upon signal for one or the other or both parties to end the dance of content-free niceties and get to the point or commence the conducting of shared business. Photo: Funny Quotes. !" It took some practice, but I always try to give an out for people, especially since I have a group of Japanese friends where theyre used to giving a soft no. But you, yours steals the show every time. But I dont think you can compare me to your dad. (If they didnt mean an invitation) . Id be open to a one-on-one hangout but just out of energy for any group thing, if thats why youre asking laundryall the laundry. That is a question I ask a lot, but its aim for me usually isnt to exepect that if they are not doing things they will be free for whatever I want. Canned responses are pre-written messages that allow customer support agents to respond to customer issues at the drop of a hat. etc. Should I keep doing what Im doing? Make up a lease and sign it. @IndoorCatI appreciate your comments. Had it been a long time since shed asked him? I know its a big favor, but obviously I would pay you, and I have cable, high-speed internet, and a chocolate fountain with dark, milk, and bittersweet streams. If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted.. Ive seen cat vacuuming most often as being what you do before you can sit down to write. 2. Why insist on these parental avenues of control and dominance over another adult, when it has already harmed your relationship and can only do more harm? It kind of sucks to be going about your business and then people remind you that you dont fit in. I want collaborators, not pupils. .except I have a ton of folks in my life who literally ask this to trap me into doing things for them, so thinking their intent is innocuous after being shown time and again it isnt, doesnt necessarily fit the bill- specifically based on the reasoning LW gives. As I stated above, it can even affect quality of healthcare and employment opportunities. My response to that is usually a sassy Depends, why?. It takes a bit of confidence to state clearly and categorically what you want and then ask someone else to join in that thing, and not everyone has that degree of confidence. In this case it has the added benefit of short-circuiting the waiting for you to say nothing so I can guilt you into babysitting gambit. )in a way that seems to be back firing. Can you repeat what you just said? But no one argues against working! - Joseph Addison - Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. But different cultural norms! Rob: I'm just leaving for work. I have trouble entertaining myself sometimes, I definitely dont want to try to entertain babies and pets. A lot of the people old enough to have adult children at this point still put phone communication on some kind of pinnacle in their minds, because thats what they grew up with. Its a little more inconvenient to go to a different branch, but I do that sometimes, or mobile banking or attempt to time it so that I end up with another teller. I should add it somewhat depends on how well I know the person. Stopping people you vaguely know on the street, without a care for what theyre doing or where theyre going, invading their privacy without having asked for and received prior permission for a scheduled social encounter, and then taking up their precious time to interrogate their current mood is, not surprisingly, offputting to some! Demanding person: Are you busy this weekend? Wanna do something? or You free Saturday? Everyone knows most people mean it well, its small talk, etc but these things ARE not nice to be the receiver of. I recognize that the question can DEFINITELY be used to intentionally or unconsciously other people, Her problem with it seemed more about having to answer it ALL the time than any implied racism or xenophobia. Are you planning something?. (Remember the FIRST part of what I saidthat Ive been careful to respect her autonomy since she was a teen. Me: No can do. I slept for twelve minutes while perching on top of my desk like a bird! If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. The Captain covered it with saying the question isnt going away. Fine, thanks, and you? If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted. Look who is talking. Its just that nobody expects a stranger or lesser known acquaintance to actually want to answer the question literally. I don't know, you tell me. I think people are missing the fact that LW is talking about some instances of this running down lines of power and dominance, which is why this is such a problem. Let the customer know you empathize with them and use their name to personalize your communications. This is another good and funny response to give to "whats up" because depending on who you say it to, they might find it to be relatable enough to laugh at. If you're a naturally humorous and playful person, then you absolutely should let part of your personality shine through without clamming up. 2. Try delaying your answer and then see if taking the pressure off yourself to answer the question or commit to stuff helps you feel less annoyed by this question. Specific questions and order thereof arent quite the point. Ive had a fear of seeming bossy or overbearing, but Ive found in the past few years that people really seem to appreciate someone getting the ball rolling. Why, whats up?, Yessss exactly. To me, thats pretty manipulative and when its done I generally conclude that its done on purpose. It means people will help you less, go out of their way for you less, give you poorer recommendations for your next job, and on and on. Published on August 6, 2022. A: I'm planning to just take it easy. Like if I can magically guess the exact time theyre free and what they want to do with literally no input from them I guess I win hanging out with someone who wasnt that enthusiastic with the suggestion that we make plans? Yep yep yep. If I just say it sounds fun but Im not up to it, they respect that. and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. You may feel uncomfortable doing this (which is their goal) but you always have the right to decline a request. It makes you feel like whatever you do, you are expected to conform to being othered. Or only if you consider it important? And when they do, you need to be prepared with the most appropriate reply to make the most of the situation. I can get behind being annoyed with the sister whos trying to manipulate her into babysitting, but I think theyre reading a lot into the question when its being asked casually. It doesnt sound like a lot of fun to me, though. Nobody ever catches the other out (you said you were fine!) because the dance must be done. Yeah if I like the person and might be into it I usually friend-flirt with a depends on why!. LW gets that we all know this, and should be less friggin bigoted about shoving our nosy questions at a population for whom nosy questions are constantly tied to real threats of violence. I mean, what else are you supposed to do with life? Thanks for the invite though!. I would actually be pretty weirded out by a friend who a) felt this was genuinely intrusive BUT b) also would not actually tell me they felt this was too intrusive. 3.If LW does not want to do the babysitting or isnt available for it on weekends, that should be a separate conversation with those people and maybe set of boundaries to discuss with them. Ahhhh the family stuff. If you have never phrased commands to her that way, yup, thats on her. Him: Good. Well see you at other time, but not in the morning.. It's funny I don't even register the question "How are you?" (I've lived equal times on the West and East coasts of the US), but I see a couple of UK commenters upthread and when I lived there I never, ever got used to "You alright?" which, functionally, isn't that different. Thank you!!! If someone asks me the question, I am happy, because that means they are probably inviting me somewhere. ), You can also be very vague, but leave the door open for follow-up if you want to share. I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend. It can mean I want to make plans if youre freewhich, for me at least, isnt so much plan it for me as planning is hard, lets establish if theres even an open time slot before we nail down the details. Like now? Bear in mind that you may only ask where are you from once, but the person with the non-local accent is not unlikely to be asked multiple times a day, every single day for YEARS; and POC may be on the receiving end for their whole lives. And suddenly many things became clear. So, sometimes it is a trap! Its okay that I usually watch movies/play videogames/read all weekend and those arent shameful hobbies. You an also use it to deflect people like the commenters who are entirely not malicious, because it can serve the same purpose of filling small talk, providing a topic of easy conversation, and/or signaling that you are busy but flexible to people you actually like. Your parent or in-law will not die if they cant railroad your schedule. I can tell you out of personal experience that the constant repetition of this makes you feel a lot like you will never be fully accepted as part of the society/community you live in. Him: Doing anything else? Is everyone busy? What about you?. I think it would be helpful for folks to give LW the benefit of the doubt that she/he is not taking the time to write in to an advice column over very simple coworker small talk questions. I love so hard your example in #3. Funny Responses to "How Are You?" that will make people laugh Science of People 815K subscribers Subscribe 3K Share 53K views 7 months ago #vanessavanedwards #conversation #communication How. Because our societys patterns absolutely will not let anyone think it could be possible that what I, for example, would be doing with that time is letting my brain process the mathematics that will lead to an invention that most of us will never hear about, but it will make all of our lives better. And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. And sometimes its due to the other person not grasping the soft no/non-answer to drop the conversation (generally people I am not already friends with, like the one bank teller who keeps on asking* and that I do find nosy/irritating). Doesnt work with friends / family obviously, but I have to consult my husband every single time when it comes to sales pitches / offers in retail / invitations from strangers etc. Why do people ask? [Reposting because it looks like my first comment was eaten.]. My current boss is a total jerk. "It's going well.". I completely agree, it is always best to begin with the intention: I need a babysitter, I am planning a board game evening, I would love to spend time with you and catch up. I sympathize. 1. In these cases, we are all just curious and looking for stuff to talk about. Ill assume thats the case and check back later. But dont try to play us off against each other. Well see you at other times but this ones for us.. I feel like letting her sleep is far more important than my social life right now., Sorry, I know it sounds like a stupid excuse. No other teller (in this bank, or others that Ive been in) does this. Justit can be a lot sometimes. My usual caveat- I am a very private person who others sometimes describe as off-putting and I perform the expected feminine social role like an ill-fitting plastic Halloween costume. My Kid: No (shuts door again) Im super introverted and have medium to high levels of anxiety, depending on the situation. 3. Question. Could be specific to where I am, though. Or something. (Full disclosure: Whole in-law family are control freaks and this type of thing IS a setup with them. After reading comments, Ive come to the conclusion that Ive over-generalized my preference (anxiety? Or they may feel social pressure to make conversation in the moment, and dont have any other topic at hand. Why? She looks so comfortable. Point 1 also notes that LW apparently finds the small-talk aspect unusually invasive ze doesnt wish to share zir plans at all, while many people consider this to be a low-stakes social bonding ritual. And Im feeling like, right, not only do I not know how to negotiate this myself, I also dont know what to tell my kid to say in this situation. What are you doing this weekend? Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. And then deflect back on to them. I make it about my feelings for a bunch of reasons. I m trying to understand the other side, all those people who say they do this to make declining easier, but it just makes no sense to me. One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g. Its okay that I dont want to tell my coworkers the details of what Im reading and I get to choose who I want to share details of my life with. I usually reply with Nothing, in which Nothing means knitting, crocheting or basket weaving and listening to audio books. Get a little philosophical and it'll get everyone off of your back. It is handy because it has a friendly tone of I dont want to go into detail while still participating in the conversation. I am so devoted to nail care now that it takes me 27 hours to get my tips right! Thank you for a better way to ask this question. This is a great one because it invites the other person to tell you something that they want to share. When Im asked that question (by people other than DD), I usually go with Why do you ask?. On the other hand, there are the problem/dominance-related ones: 1. its BANK HOLIDAY?. This will hopefully lead to the two of you sharing what your plans are and possibly hanging out. "See, I will finally make you smile.". Me: Nope. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. Yes, I know that is an inappropriate way to react. Theres a world of small talk out there that doesnt Other a person, and being genuinely curious is not a justification for anything. I get it from friends (who usually just want to find a time to hang and thats not so bad), my cousin (who usually wants me to babysit), my mom (whenever she wants to invite me somewhere), and people Im chatting with on dating websites.
Hole Punch Gladiators Actor,
Eddie Anthony Ramirez Age,
Anne Hudson Shields Daughter,
Articles F