Partly the reason for our break. She has refused to make any contact with the ministry and her son has been reluctance to speak with her at all. I somtimes have vivid images of violence when I am hurt, and that is where my motto comes into play, I cant control my emotions; but I can control myself. Needless to say, I outgrew kindergarten ten years ago. Where there should be hope, the article ends with dont fall for this con again. I dont know why I was coming back to her, and missed her, and felt guilty. No matter what it left ous both in such pain that heart both of ous there was nothing easy about this new Im stoke cant fix anything this mixed up god lord I cant even hard reboot and start all over they wanted me to fall and her to stay in there control ! The intensity of the intimacy felt during passion with her husband induced fears of abandonment, which prompted her to wake Brett and confront him. Its just not fun being at the ebb and flow of anothers emotional discord esp. And yes I have a problem with emotional regulation and emotional intensity HOWEVER bpd DOES NOT guarantee that every relationship is doomed to failure or that people with bpd are all abusive, selfish, unreliable, hypocritical, or untrustworthy. Everything was made difficult. I just gave up romantic love after getting involved with a woman with strong BPD traits. Nice-guy types are often convinced that the world is filled with people who love to give without expecting anything in return. Listen in today to hear a message of hope and encouragement and to add being honorable to your moral compass! But the version Im referring to was my first Waif. After years of marriage, five years ago my wife started quickly to show intense BPD characteristics. I wish I could tell you to simply find another therapist, but at this point in time there is no training that addresses your situation. Laura didnt know why she felt this way, but ever since she was a little girl she hated being alone. I have personally been mentally abused. In fact, a lot more than what we had recognized previous to the time we stumbled on your amazing blog. yes am nice guy too and put up with all the crap like a fool ,I said sorry when I was not even in the wrong to keep peace and generally kiss ass , well I finally snapped and stormed round there and told her everything she is and what she does and said this is not working and lets call it a day and then thats when the tables turned lol, now she is kissing arse and doing what I was doing and she had the cheek to say My heart immediately broke. A more evolved perspectives say that that to ascribe intentionality to these behaviors gives the person too much credit. They will manipulate you, not so much as to get what they want in terms of things, but what they need to feel good. I hope women with bpd are not reading this!! If I stay I can soak it up and perhaps prevent them bearing the brunt of her wrath. It can be done, but therapists are not trained in these techniques. Thank you so much for your insight into BPD relationships. RodMan, it's like you wrote my story for me; down to the timeline. In alot of cases thats all that woman ever expirences in life since birth and she just doesnt quiet know how to overcome the symptoms of bpd or she doesnt understand her own illness fully either. The fear of abandonment that most individuals with BPD experience is associated with feelings of helplessness and dependency. There are such a myriad of different ways women approach this type of insecurity that you couldnt completely define it. Underneath it all, I know she has a big heart but she is also just severely damaged. I just have to move on and hopefully one day we can be friends. Our verbal connection was still excellent, but actually seeing me clearly became a real issue. I honestly think you are an absolute star Joanna, and you should get awards for this. You are on the road to recovery, and this may take a long time, but your spouse has the option right now of stopping the behaviors that he finds painful to him. Steve, you are in a very difficult position. To the men out there who have been in a relationship with a woman with BPD traitsI recommend this website and getting a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy which provides practical ways to get out of our nice guy syndrome. A man must have a job. Women With Traits of BPD Why Did She Lie? Thanks again for sharing such a detailed portrayal of the high conflict woman! As both cope with the loss of relationships (Pats marriage ended in divorce and Tiffany was recently widowed), they navigate the process together in the movie. Her care has been taken over by Brooke, a plastic-surgery addicted cousin, who lets her drink beer, tells her she is not allowed to go to certain places but never seems to really care what Evie is doing, and disappears for days at a time. Is it possible to be friends with her or women like her? She believes he will provide her with the kind of guarantee that she knows she must have in order to feel safe in a relationship. JT, two things can happen. I really appreciate your role in the kids life. Because it takes them so long to truly accept that the person is not another nice guy (girl) type, by the time they give up on trying to find the person they first met they are truly damaged. I could see I was going through increasing devaluation and didnt take kindly to the disrespect. She even said its all my fault etc. Privacy During her stay, Kaysenbefriends otherwomen struggling with mental health issues,most notablyLisa Rowe (Angelina Jolie). Something I am not sure someone like her is capable of without serious help. And we have feelings just like anyone else and are all equally deserving of love. Obviously this wasnt my fault, just an innocent accident, but in order to avoid shame and embarrassment, she had to deflect blame onto me. I just saw this reply. An over trusting guy here. So what have you done? Know everything will be alright now. Every other analysis labels us as equally dysfunctional as our bpd partner. However, neither the pain a woman with BPD experiences in her everyday life nor her behaviors with other people will improve unless she gets help for herself. Theres so much stigma surrounding borderline personality disorder (a mental illness characterized by emotional dysregulation and unstable interpersonal relationships) that finding a movie that accurately depicts it can feel like an impossible task. You are preaching to the converted. For now, here are a few sentences that will give you an idea of how to make your husband feel respected. I pity children who will be born from such dysfunctional partner combination. I only recommend these techniques when there is a long-term relationship or children involved or a financial crisis upon divorce. So no Sarah, the real issue is with mentally ill sociopaths whose primary preoccupation is satisfying THEIR needs exclusively, to hell with who they hurt in the process. Instead, the emotions are acted out, like in the examples above. Women with traits of BPD may appear to be capable of overriding their natural selfishness when they are in the throws of new love. It sounds like you have been making very healthy choices and your self-awareness levels seems solid enough that you should be able to move through this adjustment period without too much difficulty. End up with two young kids. e.g. Is that the measure of a man?? You will find sometimes they are very loving, other times they are looking at your every action thinking it will mean more than it really does. She is incredibly afraid of confrontation. I lived with a woman I think had aspects of BPD for 8 years of a nearly 10-year relationship. I am truly astonished that you know so much about BPD yet you are forgetting the vital traits of this personality. Let's break the stigma and learn ways to heal together. Why dont we talk about Dialectical Behavior Therapy which has been evidenced to be extremely successful in reducing BPD symptoms for sufferers? Check out this article for confirmation of this assertion: https://ct.counseling.org/2022/10/not-a-monster-destigmatizing-borderline-personality-disorder/ In this episode, I touch on alcohol use and alcohol use disorder, risk factors for alcohol use how recovery may be impacted. However, once this motivation dies down, they lack the skills to sustain their focus on their partners needs. The core of the problem is that their skill attainment has been stunted such that they do not know how to get what they want in a manner that preserves and enhances the relationship. With you you are searching for someone who can make you emotionally happy, when in reality for a man this is very hard to do in the long run. Being with other people reassures their fear of abandonment until they sense that the. Its almost as if they are so trained in manipulation, its become second nature due to their subconscious. What your girlfriend may have seen in you and reflected back to would be your real qualities. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. It is because they act out with friends in the same way they do with lovers and sabotage those relationships. We might say that she is using her partner because she is aware that she is pushing and pulling. What finally led me end my friendship with her was a delusional letter sent to my husband by her telling him I was unhappy in my marriage & unhappy with him in general (ABSOLUTELY UNTRUE, I have no idea where she got these ideas or why she feels she can run roughshod over my marriage.) Thank you. Another important aspect is the fact that women with traits of BPD feel extreme humiliation due to rejection, exponentially more than the average person. These techniques work on anyone who is in a highly emotional state or who uses common defense mechanisms, and they are non-confrontational so you can practice on friends and relatives. Whether she has a personality disorder or not she is an abusive personality type. That is a really great question. Please try to be a little more understanding. It is better be a wise guy and use the knowledge and wisdom you provide to detect and avoid women who do not have the necessary skills to maintain a healthy and sustainable relationship. Which ever way I turn is wrong. This time around, I slighted her is some way and didnt even know I did it at the time. I now know what to do and how to handle the situation -isaiah, I am a fifteen year old girl with BPD and Bipolar II. I think Ive learned some hard lessons and have changed, but the article (the way I read it) suggests otherwise. For example, if you live in a hostile environment, creating intense relationships might be advantageous if you are a mother (as the primary caregiver) wanting to ensure that her partner commits to her and her child.. How do we begin our communication or change it to avoid more conflict & pain? Theres more to us than this!! I truly love this woman and care about her deeply but it will always be a difficult relationship and I will never be at peace during it. Many of them even ask for unsafe sex and they often perform unprotected oral sex, then go home to unsuspecting wife. The scenario you have played out is from a very narrow view point. Even a Doctor said of her, if she put as much work into making her relationships work as she does into finding new men she would be worth working with. Can this work? For example, those high in psychopathic and borderline personality trait were described as someone who liked to flout the rules and was quite intense and a bit wild driving fast and taking drugs. They were also described as someone with a lot of relationship dramas who was anxious and self-critical.. When my wife tells that she loves with every ounce of her being, she is speaking with total truth from her heart. This article is the most illuminated one Ive found that addresses the dynamic of these relationships and the role I played: The Nice Guy. Possibly with a little research therapy and commitment to self help and self awareness she probably would be able to overcome the worst traits of her bpd and learn how tp amd actually BECOME the woman of her partners dreams..she really was all along she just needed help self commitment and love from a person who already saw her best potential self in the beginning to never give her up or give up on her like all the other scum bags from her past that did!! Then I also see so many married men calling for my services. Ok so you think its classic signs of BPD but instead just traits etc. I know its not easy. This is a guarantee that she will not be able to find in the average partner. Continued interactions like this one may leave Brett feeling like Jasmine will see anything he does as wrong and he may give up on the relationship. Brett did not hear this message. My question is, what keeps them from reaching out when they realize they are warm towards their partner? I write about people who have the personality traits that make them susceptible to BPD. We met in the fall and spent the next four months together. And my setting her straight should allow her to dislike me (again, lol) for as long as she chooses. It simply mean I have no right to put everything I feel or do out of some emotional wave on anyone. When she realizes that she wants more than wild sex and that her looks are not that attractive anymore, she turns to the naive, sexually inexperienced nice, and eventually economically wealthy nice guy. The HCM therefore provided a framework for testing what we already know about mate preferences from evolutionary psychology but this time from a mans point of view.. I could talk for longer I really could. Th verbal and emotional abuse reaches very high levels, including abusive behaviour to the kids, another temper outburst from me after taking months and months of incredible verbal abuse and facilitating her drinking and what I now believe was searching for a new source, while I take main responsibility for the kids, she, in the end, leaves me for a lesbian relationship which I am supposed to have driven her too. Unfortunately, nice-guy types such as yourself will always be vulnerable to women with traits of BPD. I am a nice guy up to a point, then afterwards it will start to vent out of me, and all of the past mental abuse will be right there with it and you will never forget it, you can try but you cant, at that point its easier to leave. Do you think there is any way to reach her given her enabling relationship with her new husband & lack of self awareness? Yep, been through it two maybe 3 times, I usually come to my senses at the year mark as the relationship has usually degraded enough by that point. As time went on in the first few months, I would get love bombed like crazy. Now if she cant commit to self help and to actually progressing in her life after some time tjen i see n know that u can only help someone who wants to be helped but damn!! I was with a BPD women for almost 18 months and I can say it was the best (fleeting) and the worst relationship of my life. Her reasons for splitting were such minimal things which you mentioned that they see it as something major! There is no way to tell whether she has BPD, but she certainly demonstrated the behaviors associated with it. You dont pay attention to me. I think she is so wrapped up in her own world now and she just sees herself as thats who she is and nothing wrong with her. There were other similar but smaller type incidents but that one I will always remember., Do you think someone like her with these traits would think there is something wrong with me since I put up with her crazy behavior? She is so driven by her emotions. We have sound healthy relationships with the oldest and youngest child however our middle child has completely turned on us . JT, in idealization stage things will occur to them to say that seem to fit how they are feeling. Her behaviors are addictive in nature. BPD is not a life sentence, and how much therapy someone needs is case dependent. Doesnt really express anger in the verbal form but moreso in actions. However my wife refuses to acknowledge any borderline traits as everything in the relationship is my fault. Jump start your recovery today!--- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/rose-skeeters/support, Alcohol Use & BPD: Risk Factors, Reasons & Recovery, Borderline Personality Disorder is no longer considered a chronic illness. I did sense something the matter though just like very self centered. Silver Linings Playbook is my favorite movie of all time and its very relatable. MENTAL ILLNESS IS STILL ILLNESS, YOU JUST CANT SEE IT, so stop the ignorance and start paying attention. It is a terrible illness for the bpd sufferer and i know I just wish she could be the girl I met last year, they were such good times and I will treasure them forever. The average man is somewhere between these two extremes of total trust of ones fellow man and complete distrust. Make Sense of the Beautiful Chaos: What a Woman with Borderline Personality Disorder Would Like Her Loved Ones to Know In future posts, additional tools will be described and illustrated to further increase your ability to understand the emotions of people you care about and craft responses that are both effective and loving. Also, she suffers from anxiety/depression (on medication), pretty bad OCD, and also agoraphobia. It can take a long time to regain perspective and heal from this kind of relationship. Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a condition you may have heard of, but perhaps don't fully understand. However, nice guy that I am, I relented and said I wanted to be there for her through this tough period in her life. They run into terrible problems with over-trusting. Having a pattern of unstable relationships often characterized by idealizing or devaluing a person (also known as black and white thinking or splitting). Note To Readers: Id like to take a moment to thank all of you who have taken the time to post in my comments section. They will cling on to unsuitable relationships despite being subjected to abuse or intense emotional pain. Why should I make an effort to trust a gender that is mostly untrustworthy? It was a emotional rollercoaster. Lets take a closer look at how the nice-guy/borderline connection can lock a healthy man into an unhealthy relationship. The stigma around BPD is unjustified because there is a good prognosis. I never knew something like bpd ever existed til i searched jealous/angry wife on google. They are extremely empathic and can read emotions fluently. I spoke , gave and showed my love to her and I got all this in return. I suspect that describes you quite well. Like everyone, else we need and deserve love and although sometimes difficult, we can be wonderful partners. Now i can tell you when i was younger getting caught up in this can make you take on some of the same traits, her insecurities can wind up beings his too, but as I got older i learned to stay with who i cared about, try my best and if nothing could repair it or she put up as many walls as she could to prevent me from repairing it, but still wanting me to stay around, i finally just cut off communication with no explanation so no response is needed or no argument starts. The real hook for me was high physical / sexual compatibility and in conjunction with not wanting to be out there the trap began, The aspect that perturbed me for a while, is when you give them that out and they justdontwant to take it! Occasionally I snap back and suffer the consequences. Because of her lack of effort to make contact with them they have now decided to remove him from the home permanently. She is not manipulating. In order to understand why so many nice-guy types stay in abusive relationships with women with traits of BPD we must first understand a second universal human frailty. Borderline personality disorder help should be administered when she is having an extreme impulsive episode that she cannot control. I tried. We offer mindset coaching only for individuals nationally and internationally. I recently broke up with my fiance as I could not handle the double standards and constant abuse. Do you know how difficult it is to find treatment? JT, they do have occasional moments of clarity and can express this kind of awareness, although most of the time their belief that their partner couldnt love them is more hidden or playing in the background of their consciousness. Of course, if you see what problems you have, and if your partner truly understands how you work and when to leave it alone. Just like there is a profile for the borderline personality type, there is also a profile for the kind of man that they often choose to partner with. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, The Innate Intelligence Observed in the Dying Process. Phil, I wish I could take all the credit for my accuracy. In a response I received via email, you stated that my ex may have kicked me to the curb due to anger (its more than that Im sure) but then might feel very warm towards me when I am gone. Women with borderline personality disorder usually have low self-esteem and a fear of abandonment. We offer mindset coaching only for individuals nationally and internationally. Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for therapy or clinical services. I feel its important to tell my partner, Im having a problem & things dont look right in my mind. Now, that doesnt mean I overcome every emotion or BPD related thought or action. I tried to make her feel special in everyway but it just didnt seem to register with her thoughts and emotions really. These are tough times for a nice guy to be in romantic relationship. The story goesduring Christmas dinner at my familys house she slipped and fell on her way to the bathroom on some water that my dog has spit up after drinking it out of the toilet. In fact, most of the common derogatory responses we hear these days towards nice-guy types are a result of people being unable to override their instinctual feelings of disgust towards men who dont conform to the masculine ideal. I had lots of friends and lots of sex. good luck to anyone who is giving it a go , hopefully your situation is better than what mine was . Please remember that this podcast is not a replacement for therapy or clinical services. But I am aware of my behaviors. Funny thing is I would say Im this nice guy and I suffered with mental health before , anxiety etc and I know the battles people go through but the biggest leap is accepting there is a problem!! I was only made aware of this recently. Any hint of criticism or perceived criticism was met with resistance. Furthermore, by providing an evolutionary psychological explanation for it we can remove negative evaluations of emotionally unstable people in understanding that their personality style is as fitness-affording as any other. I dont even want to be married to you. But when my wife yells, slaps, hits in the middle of the night from hell that she hates me and I am the worst person in the world, I also now understand that she is also speaking from her heart at that moment to. I was constantly complained about being lazy, not doing anything around the house, not doing chores her way, not paying attention to her needs, not talking to her, not sharing, lying, being unfaithful. I know you dont know my situation in its entirety but an expert opinion would be very welcomed.
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